Just Hulking Out
by footshooter
Summary: "I'd like to see a fic where Bruce is Hulking-out over random things and he and the Hulk get to know each other better." I'm paraphrasing, but JayNinjaOfLightning15, your wish is my command. Swearing. All Avengers feature. And the latest chapter has serious IM3 spoilers. You've been warned enough now. Don't get upset if I ruin it for ya.
1. The Sandwich

The Avengers were learning not to tip-toe around Bruce Banner. He'd been living with them for three months and he hadn't Hulked-out once.

Well, that's what _they_ thought. Tony knew better. But Tony didn't really care and he'd built him a room adjacent to his bedroom so the Hulk could go and smash shit up. Apparently he liked it in there. Sometimes it'd just randomly happen, and he'd wake up naked with Tony sat beside him giggling and saying just how _happy_ the big guy had looked…

But that wasn't the point. The point was Bruce was having one of those days where absolutely nothing was going right for him, and he was trying his best not to stamp around (mainly because he didn't know if Tony was in and he just _knew_ Tony would comment on him behaving like a child because he did it every time Tony was in a mood, which was a lot) but it was really hard not to.

So he decided to make a sandwich. He stopped outside of the kitchen to control his rapidly pounding heart and unclench his fists and settle his jaw into something less... rigid.

He sauntered into the kitchen and tried his hardest not to look outwardly angry. But everyone in there was looking at him strangely. And _everyone_ was in there. Other than Tony, apparently. Which meant that maybe he was off the hook.

Steve and Clint were reading newspapers, Thor was bashing at some steaks (Bruce didn't ask, but there was blood splattering everywhere) and Natasha was trying her hardest to read a book but was wincing every time the hammer hit the bench.

"Hi Bruce," Steve said. Bruce muttered a "hi," but he was looking so confused at what Thor was doing he was pretty sure his bad mood was just taken as confusion by the men of the room. Thor was beaming from ear to ear and he waved with extremely bloody hands, splattering the stuff everywhere. Bruce was wondering how the hell there was _that_ much blood in a steak as Natasha was wiping it off her cheek.

"Thor!" She said, and then took a deep breath. "I think Pepper will be hugely grateful for you tenderising those now. I mean, they're definitely fine."

"They are? I don't think they are nearly flat enough."

He raised the hammer again and Natasha tried to cover the murderous look by putting her fingers against her temples.

"They really are. There won't be anything left soon. Just, put them back."

Thor shrugged, but wrapped up the meat regardless. Natasha shook her head and glanced over at the mess he'd made before cringing.

"And you better clean that up before she comes back, too."  
"What?"

Thor slipped in a pool of blood, and Bruce frowned. What the hell was this? Magic meat?

"That."

"Oh."

Clint was smirking and Steve had an eyebrow raised. Natasha finally turned to Bruce.

"Bruce, are you okay?"

He was okay, until she asked that. He visibly started as his anger level ramped up over confusion level and he remembered just why exactly he was pissed off. Everyone looked at him strangely.

"Erm, yes?"

He couldn't help making it into a question. She narrowed her eyes at his neck and he was _sure_ she could see his pulse, but then she shook her head and looked back to the book she was reading and he was off the hook.

He could feel the anger prickling, and he was just holding the other guy at bay. Because damnit he wanted a sandwich, and nothing, no matter how big, green and angry was stopping him from getting it!

He opened the bread bin and was upset to find there was only brown bread. Again.

"Can we add white bread on to the shopping list please?"

Natasha looked at him as though he'd just spoken high treason and the Hulk wanted to smash in her face. He didn't like brown bread. It tasted silly.

"Or, at least allow me to do the shopping?"

There was silence as Clint and Steve said nothing, not wanting to face the wrath of Natasha Romanoff.

_Fucking cowards._

He _knew_ they preferred white bread. They were just too _wimpy_ to speak up. Thor would have joined in, but he was scratting about a cupboard for a mop at that present moment, leaving bloody handprints everywhere.

"No," he muttered. "Fine. Let us not _offend_ you with our choice of food. God help anyone who brings anything into the fucking house that Natasha doesn't like."

Natasha looked up.

"What was that?"  
"Nothing."

Bruce really was an angry man, deep down. He had those kinds of thoughts all the time. They just surprised people when they came out of his mouth.

He slapped two slices of bread on a space of blood-free counter (which was difficult to find) and found there were no bread knives in the drawer. He sighed, pulling out a cheese knife and using that instead.

_No, Hulk. Not yet. After I've eaten we'll let you out in the room, k?_

Natasha was looking at him weirdly. He was pretty sure he didn't say that out loud so…

"Your eyes have gone weird."

"No they haven't. Shut up."

_Minus 20 points for petulance, Banner. Well done._

Natasha was scrutinising him all the more. Clint and Steve either hadn't noticed or were pretending it wasn't happening. Thor was still looking for a mop, throwing things over his shoulders and nearly cracking them all over the heads.

Bruce opened the fridge door, skirting around the blood pools so he didn't slip because that would be all it would take. And he stared. And kept staring. And…

"For fucks sake! Why is there no cheese?"

The all glanced up because Bruce Banner had just said the f-word and he didn't _say_ the f-word or any other words that could be replaced with a single letter and still have everyone know what they were.

Steve looked sheepish, Natasha shrugged.

"There's some goats cheese in the drawer."

He must've been scaring her because she didn't _share_ her food with anyone. Not even Clint. Not even Clint when he stole it off her plate. She always got it back. But like hell did that matter.

"I don't _want_ your fucking weird-shit cheese. Seriously. No one likes stuff that comes from a goats _tits_!"

Everyone was _staring_ now, and he was having a tantrum to rival Tony Stark's best. The Hulk was getting closer and closer to bursting out of his chest. Everyone looked wary, except Thor, who was still throwing cleaning based missiles across the room. Bruce doubled over in pain, his eyes turning greener and greener. Natasha was edging towards the door.

"Um, Bruce. C'mon fella. Calm down."  
"FUCK OFF STEVE!"

Steve, bless him, looked upset. Clint patted him on the arm.

"He's trying to calm himself down, Steve. You don't need to point it out. He's only saying that so he doesn't break your nose."

Bruce could have laughed, if he wasn't in so much pain. But he managed to push the Hulk back and exhaled, standing up straight.

"You okay, buddy?" Clint asked, and he nodded.

"Yeah. Sorry about that."

"It's alright," Steve said with a smile. Poor lad was too nice for his own good, Bruce thought.

"Natasha-"

A bucket hit Bruce on the head, and he sighed.

"You know what, fuck this shit."

He pulled his shirt off his head and turned into the Hulk.

Tony walked in just at that moment and was confused by the sheer amounts of yelling and other loud noises coming from the kitchen. Then he realised that Bruce had probably, finally lost it with the others and sighed.

He sauntered into the kitchen, a Burger King bag under his arm. He was trying to be nice and bring Bruce lunch, anyway. He'd not been able to spend much time with his bestest science-bro lately and so he _wanted_ to make it up to him with fast food. Instead, he walked into a half destroyed kitchen where Steve and Clint were hiding behind a table, Natasha was dodging blows, Thor appeared to be wedged in a cupboard and the Hulk was in total rage-monkey mode. And there seemed to be blood _everywhere_.

Tony stopped, hands on hips, burgers behind his back.

"Hulk, c'mon buddy. In the kitchen?"

Everyone stopped dead, the Hulk turned to stare at Tony and everyone expected a roar or blows or something. But really, he kind of deflated and looked at the floor. Which was weird.

"What happened?"  
"Hulk mad."  
"I can see that, fella. Why?"

"No cheese."  
"Really? Well, geez. I'd be pissed at that too. Who ate the last of the cheese?"

Steve flushed red.

"Oh, Steve. Seriously man, buy some more."

Steve jumped up, "I'll go now." he scurried out of the door.

"I _offered_ him goats cheese!"  
The Hulk flicked Natasha on the head and she fell over.

"That's a fair response," Tony stated as she staggered back to her feet, very, _very_ angrily. "Why is there blood everywhere?"

"Not Hulk."  
"Good to hear."

Tony followed the splatters to Thor, who was still being defeated by a doorframe.

"I was tenderising steaks!"  
"How the hell did you manage to find so much blood in _steak_?"  
"That what Bruce thought," the Hulk said with a shrug.

"Yeah, well, he's a genius too, isn't he?"

The Hulk smiled and nodded.

"Right, well. Since I've successfully diffused a situation on my own that four Avengers _couldn't_," Tony said, smirk evident in his tone of voice. "How about you help Thor out of that cupboard and clean up in here. I'll deal with the big guy."  
"Tony, that's-" Natasha started, and Tony frowned.

"Fine, yes. I know. Hey, buddy, still hungry?"

Hulk nodded. Tony showed him the bag.

"I got your favourite. I mean, it's probably a little bit _small_ for you; you could probably drain the coke in like, what? One sip. But maybe you could let Brucey back out and I _promise_ that I'll force him to let _us_ hang out later. Alright?"

The Hulk looked thoughtful for a moment, but then nodded and started to shrink before their eyes. Tony caught Bruce before he could fall to the floor, and smirked at him. Bruce looked around, his eyes widening at the destruction.

"Oh my god. Tony, I am so-"

"Say sorry and I'll hit you or something. It's cool. Now come on. I promised the Hulk Burger King and it so isn't the same when it's cold. I got your favourite!"

Tony waved the bag around and Bruce smiled and shrugged back on his shirt.

"Alright."

They walked out, leaving Clint, Natasha and Thor to tidy up, which Bruce was pretty certain would make him public enemy number one for a few days. Tony was chuckling to himself and talking excitedly as they walked down the corridor to find him some pants.

"Seriously, next time you do that I'm filming it. The look on their faces! Steve and Clint were hiding behind a desk…"


	2. Wallmart

**a/n: so the idea of Bruce listening to the music I suggest in the first paragraph is just _so_ ooc that it totally cracked me up, and therefore has to stay. IT HAS TO STAY. So no, _that's ooc_ comments, please, coz I kinda know it is and that's why it's there. It's my brand of funny. Seriously, I can see the rave now. Which reminds me, I need to write that spare room rave chapter on another fic… **

**Thanks to all the reviews and subscriptions on my first chapter, though, it's been seriously cool. I just hope I can keep the standard up as I go along. I have like, the second last chapter written, but nowt else, so it's a bit of an issue at the moment, but as soon as I don't have to go to work anymore (geez, exams and then work, just one thing after the other!) I'm sure my tiredness, insomniac based writers block will lift. I do my best writing late at night and I'm forcing myself to gan to bed early coz I have to get up early and so it's just screwing with my pattern. But you guys are great and so I _know _you'll be patient.**

**Anyway, this is the longest a/n ever so I'm gonna stfu and get on with it. I'm kinda gushing…**

* * *

So Bruce freaked everyone out enough to get his wish. Not his wish of no longer turning into the Hulk in awkward situations, or that Tony would stop trying to make him turn into the Hulk at awkward moments. No, not even his wish that he could play _Calvin Harris_ really loudly in the lab (look it up, yanks, he travels around). Not even when they were all _ready for the weekend _when the clocked off on Friday night covered in slime and blood and Christ knows what else and really wanted a drink.

No, no. He shouldn't've asked, really. Should never have suggested it. Because now, he was stood in a supermarket filled with screaming children and people bashing into his legs with trolleys. Wherein they would scowl at him like it was _his_ fault.

I mean, really? Was all of this worth it for some white bread?

Probably not. Not at all. Definitely fucking not.

Gah, he was getting angry. He took a deep breath, deep inhale through his nose, exhale through his mouth. He was cool. He could do this. It was just shopping. And he owed it to everyone else to buy so much shit Natasha would have a total flip out when he got back. Because, let's face it, he'd be out of the firing line. She still hadn't recovered from the face flick.

So he continued on along the aisles picking up anything and everything the guys had added onto Natasha's list. Or, replaced Natasha's list _with_. He had no idea what she really wanted and kinda felt bad over it. So he put some lettuce and goats cheese into the trolley. And some wholemeal bread along with the white. He could see people looking at him as if to say _make a choice!_ He was usually one of those people, so he offered a kind of awkward half shrug and wandered off.

And then he realised he was getting paranoid, and someone rammed him in the back of the thighs with their trolley. Again. He sighed, and caught the green of his normally dark eyes in some sort of polished fridge.

Ah shit, not here.

But of course it would be here. He was in a supermarket. He'd always hated supermarkets. Even before the Hulk had come along. What the hell was he thinking?

And then he got hit in the elbow with a basket. Right on the funny bone and his whole arm spasmed and he could _see_ his muscles pulsing. He tried his hardest _not_ to punch the guy, but really he wasn't actually in charge of his own body and he ended up diving out of the way just in time so that the six foot four burly man covered in tattoos couldn't _punch_ him across the stands.

The stands he just skidded under. So there he was, on his hands and knees, surrounded by tomatoes and oranges that the big bloke had just punched in his rage of trying to get to Bruce. And everything hurt. It'd almost be funny that this guy was angry (like he _knew _anger) if he wasn't worried that he was about to wipe out the population of a supermarket that seemed to just be _full_ of crying children. Jesus. It was like playing that level on that zombie game that Tony made him play with all of the Witches wandering around a sugar mill. He'd been iffy about the game at first, especially when he'd gotten startled by a Charger in a safe room, screamed like a girl, and nearly hulked out, but then Tony had pissed himself laughing and really, it was kinda funny, so he'd calmed down and started to enjoy it. It was a nice outlet.

But speaking of Tony, his wrist was buzzing and that meant his Hulk-detector was working overtime which meant that he was probably going to destroy a supermarket.

Of course, if Tony hadn't fallen asleep at his desk again, he'd probably be on his way right there and then. Why the hell was Bruce too proud to accept his offer of Tony coming with him?

Okay, then he'd be surrounded by flashing lights and cameras as well as screaming children and irate people in charge of supermarket trollies, and, like, a million and one types of bacon so yeah, it did make sense actually. He didn't usually _need_ a minder. In fact, he was irritated at even the thought of having a minder.

So the spasming started again, and he grunted in pain. people were looking at him like he was some kind of mental and he'd really like to point out that they needed to leave coz he was going to Hulk-out at any minute but it kinda hurt too much because he was trying to stop radiation ripping apart and reforming every cell in his body and that wasn't an easy feat for any man.

And his phone was buzzing incessantly and it was kinda pissing him off more, but he managed to get it to his ear and grunt into the microphone. Tony Stark's voice filled his head and the fucker was giggling.

"Man, in _Walmart_? You seriously take the biscuit."  
"How far away?"  
"Um, five minutes?"  
"FIVE MINUTES? JESUS. GET HERE QUICKER!"  
"Okay, are you bellowing like Thor because you're upset and me or because you're Hulking-out?"  
"_Tony!"_

"Alright, alright. I'm in the suit. I'll be there like, now."

Bruce watched from his crouch on the floor as people started to leave the store and silently thanked Tony for being a total godsend.

Not that he wasn't too far gone to turn back, of course, but at least he wouldn't have to feel guilty about crushing babies under his giant green fists which, now he thought about it, felt alright when he finally just gave into it.

The last thing he heard was Tony Stark, somewhere above him, say,

"Break whatever you want, fella. I could pay for damages in this place three hundred times over."

And then there was a deafening roar that surely couldn't have come from him, and he let go.

* * *

"Alright. So we're all agreed that Bruce is off shopping duties then?" Natasha said, frowning. Tony beamed. Steve looked sympathetic. Thor was stuffing his face. Clint was playing _Solitaire _under the table on his iPod and was getting more and more wound up every minute that passed because every game was _not_ winnable.

They all murmured agreement, just so the house meeting could be over with just that little bit quicker.

Bruce sat off to the side and cringed.


	3. Hoover

Out of all of the modern inventions that existed, Steve tended to stick to falling in love with the more _simple_ of them. At least, those simple in principle. This meant the toaster, microwave, fridge-freezer, coffee machine… pretty much anything domestic and undercomplicated. Unfortunately, the more wondrous the thing, the less Steve understood and the more he kept away.

This morning, he'd discovered a _Dyson_ vacuum cleaner and his mind had been blown. Like a good soldier, he kept his bedroom clean, and this thing was far easier than the sweeping brush. Especially since his room was carpeted.

Everything about the cleaner was great. From the ball in the middle that let it change direction easily, to the Perspex window that let you see the dirt whirling around inside, to the noise it made. So, he decided to help everyone else out by hoovering the whole of the Avengers living quarters. Because, really, it was fun.

* * *

The first of Bruce's waking thoughts was that he was colder than he should be, more clothed than he should be, and that the crick in his neck meant that his head was definitely _not_ on a pillow. Therefore, he must have fallen asleep in the lab. Again.

The second was that there was some sort of incessant humming going on. And the third was that he should really go to bed and sleep for a few hours in a more comfortable space.

The forth was that the incessant humming was getting louder and that it was starting to piss him off. The fifth was that he was happy in sleep and it had been stolen from him by the humming and that he couldn't sleep nicely with the humming occurring and that he was angry.

He didn't really think much after that.

* * *

Steve was humming away to himself when the Hulk came barrelling around the corner. He didn't really notice over the noise of the vacuum cleaner, and his humming, that the floor was shaking and there was a new doorway in the wall, and a load of dust and debris had added to the list of things that he could run the Hoover over later.

He looked up, singing something from back in his day, saw a big green body glowering at him, and looked back away, almost doing a little dance as he pushed the Dyson around. He was in his element. And…

_Hold on a minute!_

Steve looked back up. He looked back up and stared. And then he started, jumping backwards, his mouth opening and closing a few times. He raised his arms, palms towards the Hulk, who had hunkered down and was breathing heavily.

"Whoa there big fella," he said, and the Hulk raised an eyebrow.

"Can you understand me?"

The Hulk looked confused.

"Hulk. What. Is. Wrong?"

The Hulk rolled his eyes, growled, and then stamped towards Steve, picking up the Hoover and smashing it against a wall. Steve was horrified. Hulk was just happy that the noise had stopped. And he showed this outwardly by smiling a dopey, lopsided, self-satisfied smile.

"What? Why would you _do_ that?" Steve asked, his fear forgotten and replaced with pure outrage. The Hulk frowned at him. "You look here, Banner. Just because you're bigger, stronger and scarier than the rest of us doesn't mean you can go around smashing up domestic implements just for your own amusement!"

The strange little yellow haired man waving his arms around, pointing and shouting at the Hulk, was confusing him. Why didn't he want to destroy the buzzy thing too? Everyone would hate the buzzy thing. Just because it was buzzy. He had done him a favour.

Steve was getting more and irate, and this was making the Hulk more and more confused. In the end, he sighed, shrugged and muttered,

"Tony buy new buzzy thing."

Hulk then turned on his heel and wandered back through the giant hole in the wall and into the lab, leaving Steve alone in the hallway shouting at the air. He felt a lot like a fool, and a lot less like facing Bruce when he woke up. In future, he'd warn him if he was going to start hoovering.

He sighed, turning on his heel and walking away down the corridor to face the others. They were going to have a field day.


	4. Stark

Bruce had gone to bed. Like, actually made it from the lab to his bedroom and undressed (respectably, of course, he wasn't going to strip naked in Tony's house. Not intentionally anyway), got into bed, under the bed sheets, head against the pillow and closed his eyes.

It was a rare moment, and he was going to savour it.

Usually, he just forgot he was tired and fell asleep mid-tinker. He'd wake up a couple of hours later having drooled on the bench, his glasses askew and pushing great red marks into the side of his face. This would make him angry. And so, he decided, at least once a week he would sleep in his actual bed. It was good for the soul.

And he was having a lovely time until a loud noise startled him and he jumped so high he fell out of bed and landed ungainly on the floor. The Hulk inside of his head grunted, not at all happy about being conscious. He tried to mentally shush him, wondered if he should think up a lullaby or something, but as his heart rate calmed from mad-flutter-almost-to-fibrillation to almost-normal the Hulk sighed and somehow mentally turned around so he wasn't looking through Bruce's eyes, like a sulky child facing the wall.

Bruce wondered, not for the first time, if he was _actually_ losing the plot.

But, something was in his room and that needed his attention right now. He turned, reflexively squinting his eyes against the darkness. The something was fairly large, person-shaped and giggling as it stumbled around. it was also glowing blue.

Bruce rolled his eyes.

"Tony, what the hell?"

"Maaaaan! You just… you fell out of bed," Tony said, breathlessly, falling into a chest of drawers. Bruce picked himself off the floor and sat back down in bed, cross legged. "That was _hilarious_. Like, seriously. The funniest thing ever. Bar none."

"Okay Tony. Why are you stumbling around in my room at," he glanced at the clock and his eyebrows raised, "2.57am?"

Tony waved an arm, totally lost his balance and fell over, hitting his elbow off the wardrobe as he went down. Bruce didn't have his glasses on, but he was convinced that his room wasn't _that_ precarious. So, yes, Tony Stark was, once again, pissed as a fart.

"Tony are you drunk?"

Tony giggled again, trying to stagger to his feet and hitting another limb that Bruce couldn't make out off the wall. "No."  
"You are. Now get over here before you damage yourself permanently."

"Dr Banner, are you asking me into your bed?"  
"Jesus."

Tony managed to half crawl over to the bed and jumped up, settling in Bruce's personal space. He tried not to flinch away from his friend as he breathed alcohol fumes into Bruce's air; he was practically on his shoulder. Bruce sighed again and just happened to glance down to see that, and he had to do a double take here because he couldn't quite believe it, but yes, Tony was wearing absolutely nothing.

Stark. Bollock. Naked.

And the Hulk wasn't impressed.

I mean, by all rights, Bruce couldn't shrink away because of the amount of times Tony had seen _him_ without clothes on, but his was practically a medical condition and he really couldn't help it.

"Tony," he said, trying to keep his voice level. "Where are your pants?"

"In my room."  
"Okay. Why aren't you with them?"

"Got kicked out."

"Okay. Why?"

He shrugged and fell into Bruce. He cringed.

"I dunno."  
"Okay. Well, usually you're supposed to go sleep on the couch. Not in your best friends bed."

"Yeah, but I have no clothes."  
"Why didn't you grab some?"  
"I thought she'd hit me."  
"Does she often hit you?"  
"…No."

Bruce sighed, "Okay. I think you should go grab some pants and sleep on the- Tony? Are you actually asleep? For fucks sake."

He prodded Tony in the arm and was greeted with a grunt. It was at this moment that he conceded and pulled the covers over Tony. But he wasn't being pushed out of his own fucking bed by a drunken idiot, so he rolled over, his back to Tony and went back to sleep.

* * *

Tony woke up the next morning bleary eyed, naked, and in Bruce's bed. He tried to remember how he'd gotten into this situation, but couldn't. He hoped it wasn't anything bad. His head ached even more as he thought of the Pepper-scream he was no doubt in for when he surfaced.

Bruce was still asleep, and Tony found it disconcerting. He wanted the full story. And so, in his hungover and possibly still drunken state, he decided the best course of action was to jump on top of Bruce and land heavily to wake him up.

Bruce's eyes flew open as a heavy object collided with his chest and knocked the wind out of him. He let out an undignified shriek, found he couldn't breathe, and so couldn't actually manage to stop himself from turning into the Hulk, even as he recognised that it was Tony.

* * *

Tony was somehow, suddenly, sat on the very large, green chest of the Hulk who was staring up at him with wide eyes.

"Um, hey there."

The Hulk grunted, clearly as confused as Tony was.

"I kinda didn't think this through."  
"No."

"You've kinda broke the bed."  
"Hulk know. Bruce will be mad."

Tony shrugged, "I think he probably already is."  
"Not mad. Half upset, half," the Hulk waved his arm around and Tony nearly fell off. "Hulk no know."  
"Exasperated?"  
"What that mean?"

"Kinda… fed up?"  
"Yes."

"Hmm. Why am I here?"

"Hulk know no. Tony drunk."

"Why am I naked?"  
"Hulk no know. Hulk no like."

Tony paused, "Hey, does your cock also-?"

The door flew open and poor Pepper was confronted with the sight of her boyfriend straddling the Hulk. She screamed, the Hulk jumped and Tony winced.

"Ow."  
"TONY STARK!"  
"Look, this isn't as bad as it looks."  
"HOW DARE YOU! WE HAVE ONE ARGUMENT! ONE! AND YOU GO AND…"  
"Hulk not part."

"No, he isn't."  
"I'll be having words with Banner, too."  
"Bruce not part."  
"I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU TONY! AND _YOU_," she pointed at the Hulk, who withered under her glance, "STOP STICKING UP FOR HIM!"

Tony realised almost a second too late that the reason the Hulk was withering was because he was turning into Bruce. The Hulk had had enough of the little noisy lady and was wishing for someone else to come and take over. So, Tony was now straddling Bruce, and, to add insult to injury, they were now both naked.

Bruce blushed furiously and opened his mouth to tell Pepper just exactly what had happened but she turned on her heel and with something that sounded suspiciously like a sob, ran off.

Bruce looked up at Tony and cringed. Tony looked down at Bruce and cringed.

After a couple of seconds, Tony decided he'd stayed there far too long for it to be decent and got off Bruce, sitting down beside him.

"Well, that was unfortunate."

Bruce raised an eyebrow.

"At least we're _both_ naked now."

Bruce pushed him off the bed.


	5. The Cinema

**a/n: I am seriously _beyond_ excited for TDKR and since it's the only film I could think of that's up and coming, Tony is too. I mean, it's kinda his style right? Plus I like making Marvel-DC references in the opposite fics. It's funny to mash the worlds together. Anyway. Also, much kudos to TheDreamerLady for giving me possibly the best review ever, which is also referenced in this. Just because it was _too _funny not to. Honestly. Check the review page and read it. I nearly pissed my pants. Thanks again for subscribing, favouriting and reviewing everyone. You're all legends. **

* * *

Tony was ridiculously excited over _The Dark Knight Rises_. He was bouncing off the walls counting down the days until it was released. He got himself and Pepper tickets to the premier, but she got sick and Tony caught it, and, as much as he hated to admit it, he wasn't gonna be able to go down there and stand in front of the cameras. So Tony Stark missed the premier, and he was really, _really_ upset about it.

Pepper, on the other hand, wasn't so bothered. She was fine with admitting that yes, Heath Ledger had done a damn fine job of being the Joker, but she hadn't grown up with comics and she preferred films where the ending was happy and there was a little more romance and comedy. And, well, it's not like she didn't have enough testosterone-filled men in her life blowing shit up, was it? So she point blank refused to go to the cinema once she was better because she actually had a company to run, and Tony was still ill. So he decided to sulk.

Well, that just set her off. She ended up shrieking, in front of _all_ of the Avenger's about, "Oh, so you're going in a mood with me because I won't go to see Batman with you, and yet _you_ can sit naked upon an equally naked _male_ best friend and then _both_ of you chase me through the hallways _stark bollock naked _to try and 'explain' and then claim _I'm _being unreasonable when _I _get upset? Hmm? Well fuck you, Tony Stark. I'm going to work." And then she stamped out, leaving the Avengers stunned, Tony trying to shout back although he'd lost his voice and Bruce a very bright shade of red.

But anyway, Tony had gotten better, but had gone around a week refusing to talk to _anyone_ but Bruce. Which led to the rest of the Avengers mercilessly taking the piss out of Bruce for his 'boyfriends' behaviour and Pepper having to apologise because really she shouldn't take Tony's mess out on him.

Day 8 of the strop and someone wanders into the lab. Tony is about to turn round and shout at whoever it is, maybe throw a spanner at their heads, because he doesn't want to _talk_ to them and Bruce is out pretty much all day when someone coughs and it sounds _distinctly_ like Bruce. Tony spun round in his seat and Bruce is leaning against the doorframe looking _very_ smug with two cinema tickets in his hand.

Tony's face lit up and he hurtled across the room, flying at Bruce and nearly knocking him on his arse as he gave him the biggest hug ever. All Bruce could do was laugh nervously and set his glasses right, and all the while Tony was gushing about how he was literally the best friend a man could ever have.

"It's the least I could do."

* * *

So here they were, sitting in the cinema, Tony with his Cap cap pulled down so no one could see his face throwing popcorn at Bruce's head and trying to get it stuck in his hair. Bruce was ignoring him good naturedly and talking about how he'd not been to the cinema in years and how he was glad for Tony's private cinema for him to catch up on the old comic classics.

The lights went down and the adverts came on and Tony was so excited he actually stopped throwing popcorn and settled into his chair to watch the film, all the while smiling a huge grin at Bruce, who would smile back because, deep down, he was as excited.

The adverts went on for at least twenty minutes and Tony was getting twitchy. Bruce was getting slightly pissed off at all of the commercial nonsense that was getting thrown down his throat, but he kept a lid on it.

The adverts stopped, and they both exhaled, grinning at each other again in anticipation of… trailers.

"Geez, they never had this many adverts last time I was here."  
"No wonder I just wait for DVD if I don't go to premiers."

Trailer after trailer went on and on and Tony was getting irritable. Which in turn made the Hulk in Bruce's head get irritable. Because he didn't like _anyone_ upsetting Tony. He really had a complex for the little metal buzzy man. He was like Tony's own personal guard dog.

Tony sighed beside him and muttered "for fucks sake" as yet another trailer for something directed at teenage girls came on the screen. It wouldn't be so bad if it was something with explosions or violence but this wasn't even tailored for what they were currently watching and…

Bruce hunched forward and Tony patted him on the back, and then, somehow, he wasn't patting Bruce Banner, he was patting the Hulk. Tony frowned.

"How the hell did that happen?"

The Hulk was sitting on four seats and was completely blocking the view for most of the rest of the cinema. A few people screamed, most ran out. Tony expected that the cinema would have to give refunds. Or at least let them into another showing.

"Hulk want film."  
"Film's coming buddy."

The cinema was a lot quieter now, and one of the attendants came in to see what all of the commotion was about. He looked up at Tony and the Hulk and his eyebrows retreated into his hair.

"He's alright," Tony said. The Hulk smacked his fist against the chair in front and buckled it.

"Hulk. Want. Film. Hulk smash if Hulk don't see film."

"Is Bruce in there? Just he bought the tickets so he should probably get to see it too."  
"Hulk want film."  
"Turn back into Bruce and I'll make sure he lets you see it too."

The attendant wandered over to them, "Hey. You guys are so totally amazing. Can I get your autographs?"

Tony threw his arms into the air, "Are you for real kid?"  
The attendant nodded, and Tony couldn't help but laugh.

"HULK WANT FILM!"

Tony looked over his shoulder, "Will you… calm down?" He turned back to the attendant, "Yes. You can. _If _you get the film on right now _and _go out and buy me some clothes in Bruce Banner's size. Which is, like, I dunno actually. I think medium? Yeah. Just a shirt and some pants. Anything."

The attendant looked like this was the greatest day of his life. "Okay, yeah, sure!"

Tony handed over some money and the kid scampered off. The screen turned black with the slide at the start of the film and the Hulk smiled a great big, green smile. Tony patted him on the arm.

"C'mon buddy. Let Brucey back out to play."

The Hulk pouted, "Hulk want film."  
"You can still watch in his head, right? I'll give him a _Red Bull_ or something to keep him awake."

The Hulk sighed, "Okay."

"Nice one, buddy."

The Hulk shrunk back down into Bruce and Tony smirked and handed over the _Red Bull_. Bruce glanced around, confused.

"What the-"

Tony affected a deep voice, "Hulk want film." He laughed and Bruce cringed.

"Oh, Jesus."

The attendant raced back in, placed the bag on the chair next to Bruce and held out a press photograph of the two of them. Bruce looked severely confused, but Tony signed the photo and then passed the pen to Bruce and he signed it too.

"You are seriously the two coolest Avengers. Enjoy the movie!"

Bruce pulled out a t shirt from the bag as Tony saluted the kid.

"Nice kid," he glanced sideways at the t shirt Bruce was shrugging into and cracked a smile. "Impeccable taste."

Bruce looked down at the t shirt and cocked an eyebrow, "Not nearly smart enough, but it'll do."

"Stop complaining and watch the film, Brucey, or else Hulk'll come back out here."

Bruce took a sip of _Red Bull_, grimaced, and settled down to watch the film.

* * *

As it turned out, the film was _awesome_, and the Hulk waited until they got home before he pushed Bruce out mid-sentence while they were in the kitchen and scared everyone shitless so he could jump up and down shouting "FILM GOOD!" over and over again while breaking the tiles. Tony smiled,

"How about when it comes out on DVD me and you have a film night, eh buddy?"

"Yes! Hulk like Tony!"

The rest of the Avengers didn't _get_ the Tony-Hulk relationship, and, that night, they decided to just stop trying.


	6. Hulk Mouse

America was heading a healthy eating campaign, and to do so, they'd decided the best way was to stalk the households of various famous people and show them eating healthily as a role model for the rest of the country.

And who better to inspire the American people than Captain America himself?

Well, Steve didn't think so. Not one bit. He had a super fast metabolism. He was always eating chips, fries, chocolate – everything bad for you. Pepper tried to convince him that it was only for a week and "think of all the children you'll inspire!" Natasha had joined in, still pissed over the week she had to eat crap for since she was determined _not_ to give them the satisfaction of going and buying her own groceries. And, with two women on his case, Steve had to wimp out and agree.

Second problem was that Steve lived with the rest of the Avengers. Once the organisers got this into their heads they were very excited to show all of the team eating healthily. Pepper called a house meeting, and Tony and Clint were packing their bags before the end of it.

And so, again, the women put their collective expensive-heeled feet down and here they were being trailed by a camera crew showing them eating (and enjoying!) healthy meals and having Steve (with an apron on) cooking recipes for the nation. Tony thought that it was all very embarrassing.

He hadn't seen Bruce in days and expected that he was hiding out in the lab, sneaking out to snack on his share of carrot sticks when the camera crew were elsewhere. Tony _knew_ that the only reason the bastard hadn't been forcibly dragged out of there was because of his big green rage issue, and he kinda resented him for it. He was determined to get him to join in one of the strained dinner-time table-share meals and so, with his bowl of _Bran Flakes_ he headed down into the lab.

"They don't even _float_," he muttered with distaste as he opened the lab door. "What kinda of cereal do you have to dig for? They should float!"

Bruce was sitting at a desk with a box of _Rice Krispies _in front of him. Tony was horrified. Why didn't _he_ think of stashing food in the lab?

"Banner, what the hell is this?"

Bruce, bless him, almost jumped out of his seat and, red-faced, turned to face Tony muttering something hastily under his breath about experiments into gamma radiation. Tony frowned.

"As excuses for contraband foods go, experiments into gamma radiation is one of the worst I've heard."

Bruce looked confused. "Huh?"

Tony raised an eyebrow and pointed at the cereal box.

"Are _Rice Krispies _banned too? I thought they were healthy."

"Nope. _Bran Flakes_ are the only cereal allowed."  
"But they don't even float!"  
"Tell me about it."

Bruce still remained sitting with a perpetually confused expression on his face, and then he started to laugh.

"What?"  
"Nothing. I just… I thought you meant what the hell was Hulk-mouse."

Bruce's eyes widened as Tony frowned.

"What?"  
"Um…"

Tony pushed Bruce's wheely chair aside with his foot and, sure enough, behind him, sitting on the desk in a rather large cage sat a little ginger mouse feasting its face on _Rice Krispies_. It was a very loud eater.

"You got contraband cereal for a _mouse_?"

Bruce gulped, "Well, yeah. I mean, he doesn't really like _Bran Flakes_ and we didn't have any _Corn Flakes _or _Cheerios_ in the cupboard. He get's upset if I don't share my breakfast with him."

Tony scoffed, "Give me some _Rice Krispies_."

Bruce handed the box over and Tony poured them into Bruce's empty bowl and grabbed some of their coffee milk to pour on them. He sighed in happiness as he chewed the cereal.

"Man, that's good."

Bruce smiled his little lopsided grin, "Yeah, I know."  
"I honestly love you sometimes."  
"Thanks."

Hulk-mouse was looking at Tony.

"Why's it staring at me."  
"_He_ wants some cereal."  
"Does _he_ actually Hulk-out."  
"Um, yeah."

Tony held one of his abandoned _Bran Flakes _up to the mouse through the bars of the cage. It took a sniff of it and turned its face away.

"He turns his nose up at _Bran Flakes_? Man, you have a mouse with taste. Is his name just Hulk-mouse?"

"So far, yes. I guess I should think of something less obvious. Like George."

"George?" Tony asked, laughing.

"I think he kinda looks like a George…"

Hulk-mouse was still staring at the cereal in Tony's bowl.

"Hulk-mouse sounds better. But his code name can be George."

"Okay."

Tony put the _Bran Flake _up against the cage bars again and Hulk-mouse once again sniffed the cereal and turned his nose up.

"How'd you even get a ginger mouse? They don't come in ginger."  
"They do. I think it's classed as 'yellow'."  
"Maybe we can use his as a weapon against the women in this healthy eating scheme."  
"Um, how?"  
"Women don't like mice."  
"The person I got him from was a woman, and she loved mice."  
"Did she know you were going to pump it full of gamma-radiation?"  
"Um, no."  
"Good call on not telling her. Animal people are crazy."

They watched the mouse, who was beginning to get a little upset, wrinkle its nose and narrow its eyes in a threatening kinda way.

"I kinda like him though," Bruce said. "He's cute. When he's not Hulking-out."

Tony eyed the mouse; it had little ginger tufts behind its ears and it was sticking its fur up as far as it would stick. Which was quite far; it had fairly long fur.

"Look little fella, this might be the only decent food I get for a week. I'm sorry, but I'm not sharing. Take the _Bran Flake _from uncle Tony and be a good mouse."

He stuck the _Bran Flake _between the bars again and the mouse squeaked loudly, curling over on itself. Bruce was busying himself with something on the computer.

"Er, daddy? Your new baby is kicking off."

Bruce sighed, "Did you not heed the advice of no _Bran Flakes_?"  
"No."  
"Well, pick him out of the cage. It's too small in there when he Hulks-out."  
"Will he bite?"  
"Probably."  
"I'm not touching it."

Bruce sighed again and wheeled over to Tony, who was staring intently into the cage as the mouse grew and turned green. It definitely looked mad. Bruce managed to pull it out of the top of the cage before it got too big to actually fit out of the hole.

"How big does he get?"

"About the size of a guinea pig," Bruce said as Hulk-mouse dug his teeth into his hand. "Ow."  
"Wow."

"Yeah, he's an impressive little – ow – thing."

"Does the biting not bother you?" Tony asked, leaning forwards for a closer look.

"Not really. It's the tail-whip you've gotta look out for."  
"What tail -"

Hulk-mouse swung his tail and cracked Tony across the face with a lovely slapping sound. Bruce laughed. Tony cringed.

"Ow."

"Yeah."

Bruce dropped the now-guinea-pig-sized mouse into a run under his desk filled with wood, large tubes, rat-sized running wheels and pretty much anything else he could get his hands on from the pet store. It went on a miniature spree of destruction in there, loudly squeaking as it did so. Tony thought it was literally the best thing he'd ever seen. Bruce went back to working.

"Bruce. I want one."  
"No, Tony."

"No, really I do. How about I be his daddy and you be his mommy?"  
"Why do I have to be the mother?"  
"Well, you did kinda make him. therefore I'm presuming it came from your womb."  
"I don't have a womb."  
"Your figurative womb. Aka, a radiation chamber."

"Fine."  
"He's so cool!"

"He's not supposed to be _cool_, Tony. He's supposed to be teaching me things."  
"And have you learned anything from him?"

Bruce grimaced, sat back in his seat and folded his arms over his chest.

"Well, I've learned that mice get extremely angry when they don't get the right kind of cereal."

* * *

Upstairs, Pepper was searching for Tony.

"Tasha, have you seen Tony?"  
"Not since he wandered off muttering about how _Bran Flakes _don't float. Have you seen Bruce?"

"Hm. Not for a couple of days."

One of the camera men ran over to the two women.

"Um. I don't want to alarm you, but there are some really strange noises coming from down in the lab."

Natasha and Pepper glanced over to each other.

"What kind of strange noises?"  
"Banging, squeaking, I dunno. Just… weird. I didn't want to rush down there and check in case-"

Pepper did her PR smile.

"It'll be nothing to worry about. Trust me."

They both hurried off down to the lab where the noises were considerably louder.

"That doesn't sound loud enough to be the Hulk," Natasha muttered. "Plus he doesn't _squeak_."

Pepper let them into the lab and went stamping over to where Bruce and Tony were staring into some sort of long, glass-covered box under Bruce's desk. She coughed, and Tony and Bruce both jumped, Tony hastily hiding the box of _Rice Krispies _under the desk. Pepper narrowed her eyes at the two men.

"What the hell is this?"

Tony smiled his most winning smile.

"Um, well, funny story actually… the _Rice Krispies _don't actually belong to me _or_Bruce. They belong to Hulk-mouse. I mean… George-mouse."

Natasha and Pepper glanced at each other.

"Hulk-mouse?" Natasha asked. Bruce shrugged,

"You really don't want to confiscate them. It'd make him angry. And, you wouldn't like him when he's angry."

Pepper and Natasha looked down into the box where a guinea-pig sized, bright green mouse was pushing wooden toys over with its feet and its tail and biting into cardboard while squeaking vey, _very_ loudly. They both sighed in unison and remembered the exact reason that they didn't visit the lab when strange noises occured.

"For goodness sake."

* * *

**a/n: Okay, so this was beyond my usual standard of mental. But I like to do tributes to my pets in my stories and I have a little ginger mouse who turns his nose up at Bran Flakes but likes Corn Flakes and Rice Krispies and greeds my breakfast. I know, right? Little guy has taste. ;)**

**Anyway, thanks again to everyone reviewing, subscribing, favouriting etc. it means a hell of a lot to me and the reviews make my day. I reply to every review I get, but, some people have their PM's turned off and so heres your thanks. THANKS! **

**FS **


	7. The Suit

Pepper was talking to Tony. Or talking at him. All he could hear was 'blah blah blah'. Combined with pointing. And shouting. Whatever he'd done, it must've been bad. He was _trying_ to work it out, but he wasn't particularly getting anywhere with it.

And then…

Oh.

Shit.

He held up a hand, "Pepper."

She stopped talking, and glared.

"I am so sorry. I really am. I'll book a table for tonight. We'll get… whatever you want. Wherever you want."  
"Tony-"

"I'm _sorry _Pep. But I was kind of saving the world last night."

"You didn't even _notice_, Tony."

"I'm _sorry_. I'm rubbish at this sort of thing. I'll make it up to you. I'll start right now."

"Just take me to dinner tonight. That'll do."  
"No. I'm going to do something amazing. I just need another pair of hands. Where's Bruce when you need him?"  
"Don't force Bruce into your plans, Tony. He's busy."

"He's only analysing some alien goo for Fury. Like that's important."  
"Leave him alone, Tony. Just take me to dinner."

"Keep an eye out, Pep."

Tony ran out of the lab leaving Pepper standing with a hand on her hip and one on a pile of paperwork. She sighed.

"I shouldn't've said anything."

She shook her head and then went back to work.

* * *

Tony got his suit, and then hurried into the lab where Bruce was sat, surrounded by bubbling glass wear and patiently adding chemicals to samples and heating to the boil, bringing back off, and then analysing the graphs on the massive computer screens.

"Banner, getting anywhere?"  
"Nothing at all."

"Okay, good. I'm not interrupting then. Come on."

He put a metal hand around Bruce's arm and yanked him up and out of his seat. Bruce was still wearing safety glasses over his own glasses and looked increasingly confused.

"Tony, I'm busy. And, I can't just _leave_ this. It'll boil over and make a mess and, quite frankly, Christ only knows what could happen. This _stuff_ has so many properties that-"

"Bruce, this is a matter of life or death."  
"Fury will be… furious."  
"Let me deal with Fury."  
"Tony, I-"

Tony lifted up his visor and did his best puppy eyes. Bruce raised an eyebrow.

"Tony, that isn't going to work on me."

Tony rolled his eyes, "Fuck this. JARVIS, open the window. And _don't_ argue."

"Tony? What the hell?"

Tony actually lifted Bruce out of the chair and over to the window. Bruce's eyes widened.

"Tony?"

Tony got hold of Bruce and smirked.

"Hold tight, Brucey."

Tony jumped out of the window, dragging Bruce with him.

* * *

For a couple of seconds, they were alright. Bruce was clinging on to Tony's neck, yelling something Tony couldn't hear, and Tony was priming the thrusters. And then, all of a sudden, Bruce got very large and very heavy.

And very green.

Tony could no longer hold on. The Hulk roared in his face and the grip on his suit managed to knock the thrusters out. Tony realised that the whole idea was stupid and that for a genius he was very, very thick sometimes as he hurtled towards the ground.

The Hulk hit the floor first and landed in a crouch, knocking a couple of cars aside and setting off the alarms and putting a big dent in the road. Once he'd landed safely, he looked up to see the tiny, shimmering figure of the metal-man falling from the sky again.

"Metal man always fall from sky." The Hulk muttered to himself, shaking his head.

* * *

Poor Pepper was just leaving the tower when she saw Tony pulling Bruce out of a window like an idiot and Bruce transforming into the Hulk. She saw the Hulk land, kicking up debris the size of boulders and a lot of dust and she couldn't help but let out a little scream and put her hand over her mouth.

She ran out of the doorway and over to the ditch where the Hulk hand landed, and, through the dust, saw the Hulk crouched on the floor.

"Bruce?" she asked, tentatively.

She heard a very low, grumbling mutter, and took another step forwards. She hadn't realised yet that Tony's suit had failed.

"Bruce? Hulk?"

The Hulk's eyes flickered towards her, and then back up to the sky where he was watching out for Tony falling to the ground. Pepper looked up to the sky and saw a red, shimmering shape hurtling to the ground.

"Oh my god, Tony!"

Pepper's hand was over her mouth again.

"What do we do? What do I do?" She was muttering, panicking. "Oh my God."

"Hulk save metal man."

Pepper looked towards the Hulk, who was still staring at the sky.

"Bruce?"  
"No. Hulk. Hulk save metal man. Bruce too puny to save metal man."

The Hulk put his arm up and seized Tony from the sky, setting him down gently on the road beside him. Pepper took a step forwards, and Tony flicked up his visor.

"Tony? Are you okay?"

Tony's eyes were wide, but he was alright. He looked up at the Hulk.

"This is becoming a regular occurrence," Tony muttered and the Hulk chuckled, the sound reverberating around the buildings around him.

Pepper hit Tony on the arm, even if she knew it wouldn't hurt him.

"You are _such_ an idiot, Tony Stark!" She shouted, hitting him again. The Hulk stood behind them, smirking. "Why would you jump out of a window with _anyone_? Never mind Bruce. Are you trying to get yourself killed?"  
"I-"

"I have never known someone so _stupid_. And you're meant to be a genius? Really I'm sure people would change their minds if they knew you!"  
"Pep-"

"Don't you _Pep_me, Tony. Don't even dare."

Tony sighed, looking at the Hulk and trying to sit up.

"Help me out here, big guy?"  
"Hulk no help. Metal man stupid. Metal man always fall from sky."

"_Thank you!_" Pepper shouted, waving her arms in the air.

"Jesus, even the Hulk is against me."  
"No, we just all know you're stupid!"

Nick Fury suddenly appeared from the chaos and the mist looking murderous.

"Stark, you mind explaining _why_ the Hulk is in the middle of the street wrecking the road surfacing?"  
"Um?"  
"And why there's some sort of alien goo-spawn creatures flying around Banner's lab, attaching itself to peoples faces?"  
"Um?"  
"And _why_you're suited up in the middle of the road after once again falling out of the sky?"

"If I was to say that none of this was my fault, would you believe me?"  
"No, Stark. I wouldn't."

Tony sighed, "I'll sort the mess."  
"You better."


	8. Loki

**a/n: this isn't _as_ funny, but I had to do it for later. :)**

* * *

"What the hell, Thor?"

Thor shrugged, looking around the other Avengers with a puzzled expression on his face.

"I did not know where else to bring him." Thor sighed, "I cannot take him back to Asgard. The things they wanted to do… He is my _brother_. You have to realise-"

Tony held up a hand, "Can it, Shakespeare. Let the _boy_ talk."

Loki was snarling at Thor, but Tony at once seemed a better target. But as he was currently stood with four out of six Avengers staring at him, he decided to hold his tongue. He sighed, defeated, and almost seemed to shrink into himself.

"Brother, you have an awful habit of speaking as though I'm not in the room." He sniffed, almost as if his next words wounded him. "Thank you, Stark. For hearing me out."  
"Get on with it," Natasha snarled, standing in front of Clint who looked as though he was about to pounce.

Loki licked his lips in a gesture of nervousness.

"I escaped. I ran. I've been running since the night Thor took me back. My _father_ was displeased with my actions."  
"Join the club," Clint muttered.

"I'm _sorry_, okay?" Loki spat out. "There. I said it. I am sorry. I behaved irrationally and stupidly as I thought I had a right to after discovering my whole life was a lie. I could not understand how I was to still be punished for something not of my own doing. I could not understand how I could love a family that wasn't mine."

He glanced towards Thor.

"I was an idiot. I will not behave as such again. I just need… I do not wish to spend the rest of my life alone on a silent realm. I would rather you killed me now."

Clint looked as though he would very much like to do that. Natasha had softened somewhat, but not much, and not noticeably. Tony glanced at Thor, and then nodded.

"Okay."

Thor and Loki both stared at him, astonished. Tony shrugged.

"Yeah, alright. I have plenty of rooms going spare. Why not?"

Thor clapped Tony on the back, laughing, and Tony smiled.

"Thank you, Tony," Loki said, and Tony held out a hand.

"Don't worry about it. We have a live-in Hulk. It's not like you can _do_ anything."

Loki paled at the thought of the Hulk and realised he was standing just about where the giant green monster had pounded holes of his shape and stature into the floor. He frowned.

"I must inform Jane! She will be very pleased to meet you!" Thor bellowed, before wandering out of the room. Loki scowled,

"Obviously. What woman _wouldn't_ want to meet their demi-god boyfriends homicidal little adopted-brother?"

Clint smiled despite himself, and stalked off, shaking his head. Natasha clapped Loki on the shoulder and followed Clint out. Loki slumped into one of the chairs around the bar.

"So," Tony said, taking a seat opposite him. "You had a shit childhood too then, huh?"  
"Not as such. It was more when I found out my childhood was a lie that it began to bother me."

Steve then came running into the kitchen, skidding as his socks hit the tiles and then righting himself ungracefully and trying to pass it off as intentional. He cleared his throat.

"Tony, we have… what? Is that _Loki_? Guys, what on earth?"  
"Loki's staying here for a while," Tony said. "S'up?"

Steve tried to process this, failed, and then decided to ignore it.

"We have a situation."  
"You haven't used the CD rom drive as a cupholder again, have you?"  
"That was one time, Tony. Drop it. And no. Bruce got a call from a woman."  
"Oh really?"  
"_Tony_, this is serious. He's hulking-out."  
"Again? Jesus. This is becoming like a weekly thing."  
"_Tony!_"

"Okay, okay. I'm coming. Geez."

Tony got up and followed after Steve. Loki was following him.

"Uh, Loki. You don't need to follow me around, you know?"  
"Oh. Right. I just… thought I could maybe help?"

"Tony Stark!"

Tony stopped and rolled his eyes, Pepper standing behind him, hands on hips. "Go on ahead, guys. I'm about to be shouted at."

Steve and Loki glanced at each other, and then set off again.

"So," Steve said. "You're good now?"  
"Good?"  
"As in, not trying to take over the world."  
"Oh. No. I do not wish to rule Midgard."

"Okay. And Tony is okay with this?"  
"Yes, I believe so."  
"And you haven't got some evil plan we're going to have to foil?"

Loki actually laughed, "No. I haven't."

"Okay. You better not be lying to me."  
"Would I lie to a Captain?"  
"I would hope not."

They walked around a corner and a giant green fist collided with Steve and knocked him clean out. Loki's eyes widened. He dodged the Hulk and checked Steve for a pulse. Once he found it he got to his feet, twitchily, and raised his hands.

"Okay, Hulk. I am not going to hurt you."

The Hulk was roaring about a woman and Loki suspected a broken heart, or something similar. He tried to think of what he did on Midgard to cheer himself up.

"Hulk?"

The Hulk looked at him and narrowed its eyes. He roared and then swiped at Loki, picking him up by the feet and dangling him upside down in front of his face. He roared again.

"Whoa, it's okay. I'm a friend."  
"Puny god no friend."  
"I _am_. I promise."  
"Hulk no believe."  
"Please, Hulk. Tony sent me."  
"Tony? Where Tony?"  
"Getting shouted at by his girlfriend."  
"Little fire woman?"  
"Um, she has red hair?"  
"Yes."  
"Her, yes."

The Hulk snorted.

"Hulk no like woman. Woman hurt Bruce."  
"Tony's girlfriend?"  
"No! Betty woman."

"Oh. Okay." Loki suddenly had an idea. "Well, I'm not entirely sure how to fix that but… Do you like ice cream?"  
"Hulk like ice cream. Yes."

"Well, how about you put me down and we can then go get some?"  
"Hulk carry puny god to ice cream."  
"Yes, about that. I'm having something of a head rush."  
"Head rush?"  
"Yes. Because I'm sort of upside down."  
"Oh."

The Hulk spun Loki around, his fist still clasped around Loki's middle. He then jumped out of the window into the already existing crater, scaring the hell out of all of the workers trying to set it right.

"It's okay!" Loki shouted, trying to reassure them. "He just wants ice cream."

The workers were stunned.

And this is how it came about that Loki was sat with the Hulk and a hell of a lot of ice cream in central park of an afternoon. It was kind of nice, he reflected, watching the terrified people drag their children away from the happily slurping Hulk. He wasn't that scary, after all.

"So Bruce angry. And then I come. But woman make him angry, woman not good for him. Not anymore. Woman didn't look for him. All that time."

Although it was a little surreal to be listening to the Hulk's relationship problems.

"Woman no like Hulk. Woman like Bruce, not Hulk. Hulk no like woman. Hulk smash woman."

"I do not think the Avengers would be very happy with _either_ of us if I allowed you to smash a woman."

"They no mind Hulk smash you."

"Yes, well, I probably deserved it, to be fair."

The Hulk huffed, and, from somewhere to Loki's right a woman shouted,

"Bruce!"

Loki shot to his feet and the Hulk growled.

"Hulk no like woman."

Loki raised his arms.

"Um, if you could just stay back there it would be a great help."

The woman scowled at him.

"And who the hell do you think you are?"

Loki frowned, "I am Loki Odinson."  
"Well, that's all well and good but I wish to speak to Bruce."

She was putting on an accent, and it was getting on Loki's nerves.

"Huh, sorry _dear_ but Bruce isn't in right now," Tony said, appearing suddenly from behind Loki. Loki turned to glance at him.

"Having a nice outing, Loki?"  
"I thought-"

"No, it was a good idea. Good on ya, fella."

Tony clapped Loki on the back, and then stood beside him.

"Miss Ross, now isn't the best time. You already made him Hulk-out and destroy a floor of my house _again_, scare half of the city and run up a bill for ice cream. What do you want? To make him kick off again?"

The Hulk was pawing at the ground, growls rumbling from his throat.

"I wanted to warn him. My father-"

"You have a new life. Leave him to his."

"You don't understand. My father would-"

Tony sighed, "Your father would have to get through myself, two demi-gods," he gestured at Loki, who smirked, "a super-soldier, two assassins, the Hulk _himself_ and the fury of Nick. Who I'm expecting an angry call from any minute now regarding housing a man who tried to take over the world."  
"Sorry."

"Don't worry about it. Since when have I ever listened to Nicky boy? Anyway. come back when Bruce is Bruce. The Hulk doesn't want to talk to you."

"When will that be?"  
"I don't know." Tony held out a card, and Betty took it. "Go through me. I'll let him know. See how he feels about the whole thing."

Tony turned back to the Hulk, and flopped down on the grass beside him.

"Hey, if I'm paying for this ice cream, you better have left me some big guy."  
The Hulk smiled, and held out a tub. Tony took it.

"Thanks fella. Loki? Care to join us?"

Loki nodded, and started to walk away.

"I didn't think he'd be happy," Betty muttered. "I didn't think he'd ever be happy."

"Sometimes we find happiness where we least expect it."

With one last glance over his shoulder, Loki went to join the others, flopping down on the grass beside Tony, who was dodging blows from a play-fighting Hulk. Loki himself dived sideways to avoid a fist, and, laughing, started to join in.


	9. Argument Central

It's one of those days in the Avengers household. And Bruce has locked himself in the lab where it's quiet and there's no shouting or upset people or bitching or snarking or… anything. Just, well, because he doesn't know whether the other guy will get upset at someone for shouting at Tony (or Loki, but he tries to forget that particular bromance because it doesn't at all make sense and, really, Hulk never liked Thor so that's probably why he feels that surge of protectiveness whenever Thor's shouting back at the petulant demi-god trying his utmost to upset him).

Either way, it's best he stays out of the picture for a while. Just to quell those urges. To prevent people getting smashed into Tony's (expensive) floors. And Bruce can't afford to fix them, or pay out insurance to Fury against dead Avengers. And he doesn't _really_ want to leave (although he seems to threaten to at least once a month when Tony's being a tit) so, he's locked in the lab. And he really should've gone to the _green room_ (stupid name) but then the Hulk would think it was playtime and come out anyway, which was what he was trying to avoid by sitting alone in the lab trying to play with chemicals.

But he was getting wound up just with the thought of them all being wound up.

Why the hell couldn't they just play nicely? Was that really too much to ask?

It started, as usual, with Thor and Loki shouting at each other over breakfast. And, frankly, Thor's voice booms throughout the building anyway so when he's bellowing in an _angry_ way and not just in an _I-am-Thor_ way it's deafening. Bruce wasn't sure what they were arguing about but he walked in towards the end when Loki was doing his usual,

"Brother, you are such a dense fuckwit. Do you seriously have to keep trying to tell me to be good? I haven't destroyed any realms lately, have you noticed? No? You won't have because you spend all of your time chasing _skirt_ with some pathetic mortal woman you've decided is the be all and end all of everything. I don't know _how_ she puts up with you. Muscles aren't everything, you know. Your good looks cannot make up for your frankly dire personality and you really need to shave more often. And while you're at it cut your hair. There is _no_ excuse for being a total scruff all of your life."

This always ends with Thor shouting back, "Oh, is that right, brother! Is that what you think? You do not know Jane and you will not meet her so how would you _know_ why she wishes to be with me? Do not be so disrespectful to myself or to her! And you are only jealous of my beard, as you have always been, because you cannot grow one yourself!"

Obviously, at this point, Loki starts to splutter, make noises that are meant to be representative of Thor but sound nothing like him and generally throws some sort of magic at him when he starts to smirk before shouting, "Dick!" and stalking out not dissimilar to the way a teenage boy having an argument with his brother would be and mile away from how people would imagine demi-gods to behave.

And then of course the Hulk starts growling in his head, and Bruce's arm starts twitching at Thor and Thor pulls himself up from the floor looking bemused and mutters (at normal speaking volume because he's _Thor_),

"Well that was just cheating. He always has to cheat. Brother! Where are you going!"

And Loki would always pause in his stamping and shout back; "TO SHOWER!" and they would all end up wondering how the hell someone could spend _so _much time in the shower and whoever used the bathroom after Loki would go in to find ice scattered all over the room and Natasha once got the shock of her life when he'd left the door open and she had walked in to find him standing naked, skin blue with his eyes shining red firing ice from his hands. She'd screamed, and he'd apologised profusely and explained to her (while pulling on his pants) what he'd not explained to anyone else about his heritage in detail and suddenly, they were best friends.

But Loki would be in a better mood afterwards, so they just let him get on with it. Even if they did have to defrost rooms before they used them.

Thor would then stamp off to talk to Jane over Skype no matter what time of day or night it was and she'd spend an hour listening to him and another hour trying to convince him to get out of the call so she could get on with her work/sleeping/eating/whatever the hell she was trying to do before her other-realmly boyfriend interrupted and he'd not get that he was being sidelined and would come out of the room all smiles again to begin the cycle all over again.

The sibling arguments weren't too bad to handle until Loki started to get upset and the Hulk decided he was a guard dog, and Bruce was getting used to the screaming and plate throwing and threats of _"I will get Mjolnir and hit you on the head with him until you start behaving rationally, brother"_ and so it wasn't _too_ much of a problem.

But after the inevitable Loki-isn't-a-morning-person and Thor-is-irritatingly-loud-of-a-morning argument, another one sprouted up between Natasha and Clint. Apparently, they'd been on a super-top-secret mission for a couple of days (Bruce had vaguely wondered where Clint was and decided he was probably hiding in the ceiling waiting to jump out on him and try to make him Hulk-out since it had somehow become a game between him and Tony) and Clint had _dared_ to take a bullet for Natasha.

Clint, bless his heart, ended up with a nasty shrapnel wound in his side and they'd all been trying their best to be nice to him and help him out. Well, all of them but Natasha, who had decided he'd offended her sensibilities and had treat her like a feeble woman.

"You wouldn't have done it if I was a man!"  
"I wouldn't have done it at all, Tasha! It was a fucking accident! I was just in the wrong fucking place at the wrong fucking time and ended up getting shot in the arm for it. Which, by the way, anyone else would have _thanked_ me for; not fucking started shrieking at me _all the fucking time_! So just do me a favour and get off your high horse, or just fuck off until you can start behaving rationally again."

"Oh, right. So you're claiming it was an accident now! You just _walked_ into that bullet?"  
"Would you rather you got shot? Coz that's what I'm picking up here!"

"I'd rather you treat me the same as everyone else, and not tried to protect me all of the time!"  
"How many times? You can look after yourself. I know this! You know this! Everyone in this fucking room knows this! You don't need to prove it by getting all menstrual because I got shot instead of you! Next time I'll just-"

"Getting all menstrual?"

Natasha's eyes had narrowed, her hands were clenched into fists and she had a dangerous gleam in them.

"Uh, guys?" Steve said.

"Stay out of this, Steve," Natasha spat.

"I kinda can't if you're planning to kill Clint, you know? It's not really a noble thing to do."  
"And you're _all_ about nobility, right Steve?"  
"Tasha, leave Steve out of this," Clint said and Natasha actually growled.

"Fine. Fuck the lot of you," she hissed, and stamped out.

And so there were three Avengers left in the kitchen now, and a horrible atmosphere.

"Well, I'm sure if Tony was here a comment would have been made at that," Clint muttered, and plonked himself down on a sofa, turning on the news. Steve shrugged and turned back to his cereal. Bruce felt like running away.

Tony waltzed in a couple of minutes later.

"Good morning Avengers!"

He looked around at the strained silence and frowned.

"Wow, okay. Who's died?"

Bruce opened his mouth to explain, but Steve got there first and Bruce wished that he hadn't.

"Just leave it, Tony. We don't want to relive it."

Tony's eyes narrowed, and Bruce and Clint looked at each other and sighed.

"Excuse me, _Captain-in-charge_, this is _my_ house, and I have as much of a right as the rest of you to know what the hell is going on in it."  
"I didn't _say_ that you didn't. I was merely pointing out that-"

"No. You were doing what you always do. Trying to control the rest of us."  
"Well someone has to. And that someone should be a person who doesn't being out the _this-is-my-house_ argument every single time someone stands up to them."  
"You're not standing up to me, Cap, you're being self-righteous, again. And, uh, newsflash. This _is_ my house."

"Tony Stark, you are-"

Clint had had enough and turned up the news, trying to drown out the sounds of arguing that was, once again, ruining his breakfast.

Bruce was getting angry at Steve. Well, no, he _and _the Hulk were getting annoyed at Steve and that was a bad thing. He leapt off the seat and fled, and no one noticed.

So, now he was sitting in the lab with the Hulk pulsing angrily under his skin, desperate to rush out, and the noise of six people yelling at each other echoing in his brain. He growled, and slapped his hand down on the table.

Bruce, feeling his control slipping away, stood up and headed to the reinforced room Tony had built him. He turned into the Hulk almost as soon as he'd closed the door behind him, and the Hulk took Bruce's frustration and anger and morphed it into something heavy and dangerous and started smashing the walls, floors, and anything else that had been left in there for him to smash up.

Clint was wandering past the green room with his bow over his shoulder when he heard the characteristic smashing sounds inside. He had planned on going and blowing shit up in the archery range, but some stupid urge in his brain told him to open the door and go and play with the Hulk.

So he did, and he walked in and closed the door behind him, leaving him standing in a room dwarfed by the monster inside that was smashing everything to pieces.

Clint pulled out an arrow, and ignoring the burn in his side, fired it. It hit one of the wooden drawers conveniently placed for the Hulk to smash, and it exploded into a thousand pieces.

The Hulk stared at the exploding furniture, and then turned around to stare at Clint. Clint lowered his weapon and waited, poised to leap out of the door at the slightest hint that the Hulk didn't like him.

"Mind if I join in?"

The Hulk snorted, and then chuckled deeply. He turned back to smashing things up and Clint smirked, drawing out another arrow and giving Hulk a hand.

Once they'd destroyed everything in the room, they sat down in the middle of it, and the Hulk morphed back into Bruce. Bruce scrambled to put some clothes back on, and then joined Clint in the middle of the floor to survey the destruction.

"Well, that was fun."

Clint laughed, "Sure was. Geez, do we have to live with such drama queens?"

"Tell me about it. We're meant to be the superheroes and we can't even get along with each other."

"Do you think they'll've stopped arguing yet?"

Bruce looked at his watch, "Loki and Thor should, by now, be playing computer games together. Natasha will still be sulking in her bedroom until film-night later. Tony and Steve will probably still be arguing for another fifteen minutes until Pepper comes home for lunch and breaks them up."

"We gonna stay here for those fifteen minutes, or are we going to do her a favour and break them up?"

Clint looked at Bruce, and they had the same thought at the same time. Bruce smirked.

* * *

"Alright fellas, break it up."

Tony and Steve both paused in their shouting to turn indignantly towards Clint and start on him. but then they both shut up because he was standing with an arrow trained on them. Behind him, stood the Hulk, his bulky arms folded over his chest and a frown on his face.

"Hulk no like petty argument."

Steve and Tony were too stunned to argue; leaving Clint to believe that this was the best plan he'd ever had.


	10. The Pub

**a/n: boo! Thanks for the continuing support! This chapter is based upon my Friday and Saturday nights out with my mates where we decided who everyone would be if we were in the _Avengers_ after I made a comment about how I know how Natasha would feel on nights out (since I was the only female) and the usual night-out madness happened. It amused us greatly, and I was encouraged to write it, so here it is!**

* * *

Drinking was something that came hand in hand with living with Tony Stark. He'd be content, for a while, to drink in the house. But then you'd be dragged out to a pub for a team-building session with a difference. And tonight was that night.

Natasha and Clint were already in the pub when they got there, since there was some Euro football on and Russia was playing and Clint would pretty much watch whatever sport was going. That and everyone else was an hour late.

Natasha scowled at them when they sat down, "I'm a woman and _I _get ready quicker than you lot."

Tony shrugged, taking a seat on the other side of Natasha, "Just the way it is."

Steve sat down next to Clint and glanced at the screen.

"What-?"  
"Russia's getting beat in the Euro's."  
"That didn't make any sense…"

Natasha tutted, "It's _soccer _Steve. Just the European version. And they'll be _fine_, Clint."

They weren't fine, and lost to Greece. And Natasha was in a very bad mood.

Tony raised an eyebrow, "I didn't realise women shouted at games too."  
"Shut up, Tony."

Tony raised his hands in a gesture of surrender, and then started playing some sort of quiz show on his mobile phone. Clint was trying to explain the intricacies of a video game to Steve, who was baffled. Bruce was happily chatting away to a couple of S.H.E.I.L.D agents who had helped them on their last mission and therefore earned the right to tag along.

Clint gave up trying to explain things to Steve, who, bless him was very confused and instead started rooting around in Natasha's purse.

"What are you doing?"  
"Coins."  
"Why?"

Clint threw a coin into Bruce's drink. It fizzed. He looked up and sighed,

"Why?"  
"Down it."  
"No."

Clint shrugged and started bothering Natasha instead, who was trying to have a conversation with Tony about television quiz shows that they should bring back, and which one they should be on. It seemed that they'd decided they wanted to be on _Family Fortunes_. The Avengers vs… someone else.

The night progressed, and one of the S.H.E.I.L.D agents was busy texting instead of paying attention to the conversation. Steve pointed out the guys flies were down. Everyone else stared, and tried not to laugh.

"Punch him in the cock!" Clint suggested, and Tony pulled a face.

"No! What if my hand goes straight through?"

Bruce was on his way to get another drink, and asked if anyone else wanted one. Steve joined him, taking orders for the rest of them.

"We're not going to have enough hands," he muttered.

Tony looked at the more attentive agent.

"Do you want something?"  
"Yeah, I think so."  
"Well go with them!" He waved his arm in the direction of the bar, and the agent left.

"Tony," Natasha said. "Don't order people around."

Tony rolled his eyes.

When they came back, Bruce set his glass down and a coin instantly hit the beer. He sighed, "I'm not downing it. Stop it."

Clint smirked, and Natasha got up to go the bathroom.

When she came back, half of the team were missing and Tony and Bruce were bickering.

"No one would know what that meant!" Bruce was shouting.

"Tasha, if you asked where everyone was and someone said "hissssss" what would you think?"

"That they were peeing?"  
"You're only saying that because you _know_ where you've been!"

Natasha shrugged, sat down, realised she needed more drink and intercepted Clint on his way back from the bathroom to send him over to get her one.

"Tsk. And you say _I _can't order people around."  
"_You_ can't. I can."

Everyone was a little beyond tipsy when Bruce went to get _another_ drink and, predictably, he sat down and a coin went straight in it.

"For-! Why are you doing this?"

"It's funny."  
"It's not funny! Imagine the germs on that!"

"The alcohol will kill them, calm down," Natasha said.

"No! It's not funny!"

Steve frowned, "Bruce, you're gonna end up hulking-out."  
"I don't care!"

Bruce was going a little bit green. The S.H.E.I.L.D agents edged away. People were starting to stare. Natasha sighed and climbed up on the seats.

"Alright guys, we're gonna have to ask you to leave. We've got a situation here. Just, form an orderly line and head out of the far door if you could for me."

People were starting to panic, and Tony and Steve sighed.

"I'll go and help them out."  
"Clint, you go to."  
"Why?"

Natasha raised an eyebrow, "Because it's your fault. Just do me a favour and help me down first."

Clint rolled his eyes and lifted Natasha off the seat and on to the floor, then skulked off towards the people rushing out of the door to try and help Steve keep order.

Natasha stood next to Tony, arms folded, as Bruce turned into the Hulk.

The Hulk looked down at them, snorting, and they both looked unamused.

"Come on big fella, turn back to Bruce. This is not the time nor the place."

"Hulk feel… funny."  
"Is he drunk?" Natasha asked, glancing at Tony. Tony nodded,

"Probably. Come on. Let Bruce back out."

The Hulk sighed.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later Thor and Loki walked into an almost empty bar populated solely by the Avengers taking up a corner table. They glanced at each other.

"Aren't bars supposed to be populated?" Loki asked.

"Especially at the end of weeks!" Thor said.

The Avengers were, mostly, laughing amongst themselves. Bruce was cringing.

"Hello friends!" Thor bellowed, and everyone turned to them and waved. "Where is everyone else?"

Bruce cringed a little more.

"We had a _situation_," Natasha said, and Thor and Loki instantly knew what that meant.

"I am _sorry_," Bruce said. "But if people didn't keep putting coins in my drink."

"Coin," Clint said, flicking another one into his new pint.

"For goodness sake!" Bruce shouted.

Tony turned to Natasha, "And here we go again."


	11. Driving

Natasha was driving. Clint didn't mind so much because it gave him some time off, but boy did she get road rage. Mind you, so did he, but when they were picking up Bruce it helped if they didn't get angry.

Tony was in a meeting, so they were picking up Bruce from where ever he was hiding before meeting him and the Cap at the cinema. Clint and Natasha had spent the day collecting intel on someone that Fury was convinced was talking to aliens. All they managed to work out was that Fury was probably losing the plot, because the guy was walking round with a tin-foil hat on, and therefore _couldn't_ be some sort of criminal mastermind.

"Has he answered yet?"  
"My phones playing up."  
"Use mine."

Natasha gestured to the cup holder where her phone was and Clint took it and dialled Bruce's number. They were early, but both were starving after not eating since breakfast due to following round a conspiracy nut.

"Ah, hi Bruce. Yeah, we'll be like two minutes. Okay. See you soon."

"He gonna be ready?"  
"Yeah."  
"What's he doing here anyway?"  
"Something about meeting an old science-buddy for coffee."  
"Ah right."

Someone in front was driving slowly and Natasha sighed loudly.

"For fucks sake. Come on, mate. I'm starving!"

"Will you calm down?"  
"No! If I don't get food before this film I'm going to kill someone."

Clint rolled his eyes, "Is the Cap coming?"  
"I dunno. He said he was."  
"Has anyone asked him?"  
"I dunno. Ask Bruce."

Natasha pulled over, and stared impatiently at Bruce who was shaking hands with a balding man of a similar age to him.

"He looks like a professor," Clint said, and Natasha managed a smile.

"He does."

They were exchanging numbers.

"Could they not have done that _before_ leaving the shop?"  
"Natasha, calm down."

"What?"

"You're all… enraged."  
"I'm allowed to be."  
"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am."

Bruce waved to the man and then sauntered over the road.

"Could he walk any slower?"  
Clint laughed, and Bruce, with one last wave, got into the car.

"Alright?" Clint asked, and Natasha had the ignition fired before he'd even closed the door.

"Er, yeah. You?"  
"We're good."  
"Just hungry."  
"You are insufferably cranky when you're hungry."  
"Shut up."

"Is the Cap coming?"  
"Er, yeah. I think he said so."  
"Does he need a lift?"  
"I dunno."

Clint sighed, "I'll ring him then, shall I?"

They drove down the road, Natasha humming away to the CD and Bruce playing on his phone in the back and Clint sighed again.

"No answer. Pick up, you massive cock."  
Bruce lifted an eyebrow, "Did you leave that as a voicemail?"  
"No. But I should."

So he rang again and actually left the message. A couple of seconds later his phone started to ring.

"Alright Cap? Yeah, I did just leave a mildly offensive voicemail. Are you coming to the cinema? Do you want a lift? Okay, we'll come and pick you up."

Natasha tutted, "I'm in the wrong lane now."  
"Just change."  
"No. I'll just go around."

So they went the long way, with Natasha shouting and Bruce laughing and Clint trying to calm her down.

"I'll slap you in a minute."

"You wouldn't slap me."

Clint slapped her on the arm, and her eyes narrowed.

"Did you _actually_ just bitch slap me?"  
"Bitch, please."

"Barton-"

"Don't make me do it again!"

Natasha growled in frustration and Bruce laughed.

"Calm down, both of you. What've you been up to today?"  
"Urgh, following around some crackpot."

Clint and Bruce started to talk about _Prometheus _and its place in the _Alien _franchise. Natasha drowned it out, singing along to the CD. They were just about where Steve was when the phone went off again.

"Hello? What? Why not? Argh, man, come on? No. Urgh, fine. He's not coming."

"What?" Bruce said, and Natasha looked murderous.

"But I've drove all this way now! Tell him I'm gonna punch him next time I see him."

Clint hung up the phone.

"Why's he not coming?" Bruce asked.  
"Something to do with the 3D making him feel sick."  
"But it's in _IMAX_. It's different."  
"There was no reasoning with him."

"But we're _here_ now," Natasha said, scowling. "Remind me to punch him next time I see him."  
"I'll forget." Clint paused, "Actually, it's punching. Of course I won't."

"We should just go anyway, drag him out. It's only down the road." Bruce said, frowning.

"I think you should Hulk-out on him," Natasha said, glancing at Bruce in the mirror.

"I can't-"

"Oh, it'd be hilarious," Clint said, joining in. "Go on!"  
"I'm not using the Hulk for pranks!"  
"Oh, it'll be funny!"  
"No!"

Natasha stopped the car.

"Well it's either that or I punch him."

Clint looked at Natasha and then at Bruce, and shrugged. Bruce started muttering something about how it was _not _cool to be peer pressured into Hulking-out and it wasn't going to happen.

* * *

A couple of minutes later a very surprised Steve heard a booming knock on his front door that managed to knock the door off its hinges. He gathered his shield and crept out into the hallway to be confronted with the Hulk scowling at him.

"What the hell?"  
"We drove all way here! Come see film! Hulk want see film!"

The Hulk hit his fist against the concrete in front of the door and cracked it slightly.

Steve was totally stunned.


	12. The Phone

Clint's phone beeped and he looked away from _Call of Duty _for a second to unlock the screen and look at the text.

_Tony Stark  
05/07/2012 17:03  
__Hey. Can you check around what everyone wants for dinner? I'll be leaving here in half an hour and I'm passing pretty much every take-out going._

Clint sighed, glancing back to the game and then back to the phone, and muttered "You have everyones numbers, why didn't you just send a message to us all. I'm not your secretary." Before he hit reply and typed a very ungenuine.

_Clint_  
_Yeah sure, give me five minutes._

He looked back to the screen, and his phone went off again almost instantly.

_Tony Stark_  
_05/07/2012 17:04_  
_Thanks!_

Clint looked back to the game just in time to see his character get shot in the face and he sighed again.

"Damnit, Stark."

He put the controller down and started to type a mass message.

* * *

Bruce was reading. Something he didn't have much time for. He was enjoying himself quite a lot, too, as he'd had a scare earlier on in the day and his blood pressure still hadn't quite returned to normal. He was glad that everyone seemed to have barricaded themselves in their rooms on this rainy day to amuse themselves rather than harassing him.

Plus, Tony was doing Stark Industries stuff and so the main perpetrator was out of the picture, which always helped.

Bruce's phone went off, causing him to jump and swear out loud at the extremely irritatingly pitched noise that Tony had somehow managed to change it to and what had nearly made him Hulk-out earlier in the day when Tony had gotten bored in a board meeting and text him incessantly. _And_ even with his level of genius, he couldn't for the life of him work out how to switch it back.

He unlocked the screen.

_Clint Barton  
__05/07/2012 17:06  
__K, so Stark has me running errands today. What do you want for dinner? He's passing lots of take-out._

Bruce actually cracked a smile at this, and hit reply. He was just about to type "Thai" when his phone went off again.

_Clint Barton  
__05/07/2012 17:06  
__K, so Stark has me running errands today. What do you want for dinner? He's passing lots of take-out._

Bruce frowned after wincing at the noise.

_Bruce  
__Thai. Do you know you sent that twice?_

He had just hit reply when the phone went off again. He felt like the noise was going to burst his eardrums.

"Ow."

_Clint Barton  
__05/07/2012 17:06  
__K, so Stark has me running errands today. What do you want for dinner? He's passing lots of take-out._

Bruce narrowed his eyes.

_Bruce  
__Clint! Stop it!_

* * *

But Clint couldn't stop it.

* * *

_Clint Barton  
__05/07/2012 17:06  
__K, so Stark has me running errands today. What do you want for dinner? He's passing lots of take-out._

_Clint Barton  
__05/07/2012 17:09  
__I can't! I don't know why it's doing that!_

Bruce growled, and tried to massage away the headache that was brewing in his temple.

This wasn't a good sign.

* * *

Natasha was watching _Sherlock_. She had to admit that it was well done and was thoroughly enjoying herself when her phone buzzed beside her. She looked down at it as if to ask "why are you doing that?" before shaking her head and reading the message.

_Clint Barton  
__05/07/2012 17:06  
__K, so Stark has me running errands today. What do you want for dinner? He's passing lots of take-out._

_Natasha  
__Pizza._

She threw the phone down beside her, where it buzzed again.

_Clint Barton  
__05/07/2012 17:10  
__Damn. Now I want pizza too. Bruce wants Thai._

_Natasha  
Bruce can suck it. I want pizza._

* * *

Steve was training when the message came through, and he nearly had a heart attack when something buzzed in his trouser pocket, slapping it hard enough to kill anything living and giving himself a dead leg before he realised it was a phone.

_Clint Barton  
__05/07/2012 17:06  
__K, so Stark has me running errands today. What do you want for dinner? He's passing lots of take-out._

He smiled, and hit reply, slowly typing back,

_Steve  
__Pizza._

He punched the bag a few more times before his phone went off again, and was quite proud of himself at not nearly dying of shock.

_Clint Barton  
__05/07/2012 17:11  
__Tasha wants pizza too. Ah well, Bruce is outnumbered. Pizza it is._

* * *

Clint typed a message back to Tony.

_Clint  
__Everyone wants pizza except Bruce who wants Thai. Majority wins._

_Tony Stark  
__05/07/2012 17:13  
__Okay, I'll get the usual. You can be the one to tell him._

Clint smirked.

_Clint  
__Fuck off! He's in a rage already because of his annoying ringtone and the fact that my phone keeps sending my messages in like triplicate._

_Tony Stark  
__05/07/2012 17:15  
__That's weird. It shouldn't be doing that._

_Clint  
__You don't say..._

_Tony Stark  
__05/07/2012 17:17  
__I'll take a look at it sometime. Just try not to let Mr Angry go green._

_Clint  
__Heh, yeah. Good luck with that one._

* * *

Bruce was on the fifth Clint text and he could feel his eye twitching as he tried to hold back the Hulk.

_Bruce  
__CLINT! THAT'S LIKE FIVE TIMES!_

_Clint Barton  
__05/07/2012 17:22  
__Calm down, 4. I'm not doing it on purpose!_

Bruce really was trying hard not to Hulk-out now. His vision was blurring and he could feel his muscles twitching.

_Clint Barton  
__05/07/2012 17:06  
__K, so Stark has me running errands today. What do you want for dinner? He's passing lots of take-out._

It had been a long day…

* * *

Clint could hear smashing from the reinforced room down the hallway and stood up to lock his equally reinforced door. He sent a message to Natasha.

* * *

_Clint Barton  
__05/07/2012 17:24  
__I think Bruce is Hulking-out._

Natasha sighed and shook her head.

_Natasha  
__Why what did you do?_

She put the phone down again, wondering why the hell he didn't just come in to the room. He was right next door.

_Clint Barton  
__05/07/2012 17:24  
__I think Bruce is Hulking-out._

Natasha frowned.

_Natasha  
__Yeah, I know that much. What did you do?_

_Clint Barton  
__05/07/2012 17:24  
__I think Bruce is Hulking-out._

Natasha rolled her eyes.

_Natasha  
__No matter. I think I worked it out._

_Clint Barton  
__05/07/2012 17:27  
__And it's doing it to you now too, wonderful. Why are Hulks so nosy?_

_Natasha  
__I didn't realise they were. What's he doing? Peeking through your window?_

_Clint Barton  
__05/07/2012 17:30  
__*Noisy. Argh, this probes a dick._

Natasha couldn't help but laugh at that one. Quite loudly. It took her some time to compose herself before she could respond.

_Natasha  
__EXCUSE ME?_

_Clint Barton  
__05/07/2012 17:32  
__FFS! PHONE! The PHONE is a dick!_

Natasha was still giggling.

_Clint Barton  
__05/07/2012 17:24  
__I think Bruce is Hulking-out._

_Natasha  
__I was gonna say… Oh, and there's another Hulk-out text. I think we can safely say your phone is fucked._

* * *

Clint got angry and joined the Hulk in throwing things around the room, forgetting that Natasha could probably hear him.

_Natasha Romanov  
__05/07/2012 17:35  
__Aw, who's Hulking-out now, Hawky?_

* * *

Natasha was quite proud of herself for the wind-ups. So much so, she wasn't even that bothered about missing the middle of Sherlock now.

_Clint Barton  
__05/07/2012 17:37  
__IT'S BEING A TOTAL_

Natasha smirked to herself.

_Natasha  
__A total what?_

_Clint Barton  
__05/07/2012 17:40  
__AUNT!_

_Natasha  
__An aunt? Okay…?_

_Clint Barton  
__05/07/2012 17:42  
__CUNT! I SAID CUNT!_

_Natasha  
__Why don't you just come in here, дурачок?_

* * *

Clint was calming down by venting his hatred of phones to Natasha on her bed while she half listened and half watched Sherlock. Steve was walking down the corridor, confused himself, searching for Clint when he found Bruce naked and passed out on the floor. He was going to wake him up, but decided against it at the last minute and kept walking.

He knocked on Natasha's door, and she shouted, "Come in." so he did.

"Oh, hi Steve. S'up?"

Steve looked from Natasha to Clint, "Oh, Clint's here too. Good. Um. My phone seems to have gotten like four texts from you saying the same thing. And then a few more that don't make sense…"

Clint buried his face in his hands and Natasha tried not to laugh.

"His phone's playing up a bit. Just ignore them."

Steve nodded, "Oh. Okay. Um, Bruce is lying naked outside of his room…"

"He Hulked-out."  
"Oh. Okay. Cool."

Clint looked up, embarrassment forgotten as at least he wasn't naked and lying in the corridor. "We should get him some of those massive pants. Like the ones on that record breaking thing we were watching."

Natasha nodded, "Good plan. All of the ones he has are purple. We should get him loads of different colours."

"Good idea!"

All of their phones went off simultaneously, and they heard the screech of Bruce's down the hall and Bruce groaning.

"At least he's awake now…" Natasha said, pulling out her phone.

_Tony Stark  
__05/07/2012 18:00  
__BACK BITCHEZ!_

Steve raised an eyebrow, "Charming as ever."

* * *

Bruce turned up in the kitchen after the rest of them to be confronted with a table full of pizza boxes. He sighed.

"I wanted Thai."  
"Sorry buddy," Tony said through a mouthful of pizza. "You were outnumbered."

They looked away, and when they looked back Bruce had ripped a few more shirts.

"Hulk no want pizza!"

Tony rolled his eyes, "Why does this _always _happen?"

* * *

**a/n: one of a few things me and my mate came up with brainstorming last night. I'm not sure whether the others will be in this or a separate story yet, but meh, I'm sure you'll see.  
Also, for clarity, 4 = Thor. We have another running joke about how he'd always type all in caps locks and whenever caps gets stuck when we're typing it's alreet 4. I think the number thing was from when we were in a loud pub trying to convey the word "Thor" and the only thing that worked was holding up 4 fingers (again, Thor turned into Four when we were messing on and Four = 4... I divint kna, these things just happen). **

**Also, you guys better like this because it's taken me longer to fix the friggen formatting than it took to write the bloody thing. And I'm running on less than an hours sleep and a headache! (This sends bad vibes for my chatroom one...)**


	13. IronMan3Spoiler Hulk-Out

**a/n: _So I saw Iron Man 3 last night and, damn, my muse came back for this story. So yeah, here's a warning. There's some serious spoilers for that in here. Like from the START. So don't read this if you haven't seen this and don't wanna know what happens. I'm sorry, I know that's gotta be annoying. But it's like 3 weeks after the release date so I have to KINDA be safe. Y'know. But I'll post another chapter after this, maybe in a couple days, which the yet-to-see-IM3 brigade will probably be able to see. I'll try to keep all of the spoilers out, anyway. Just coz I might disappoint some people and that'd be sad. But yeah, stop reading now if you haven't. It'll be better for ya._**

**_._**

**_._**

**_._**

**_But OH MY GOD HOW GOOD WAS THE ENDING?! And I mean the _proper _ending, not the end of the film, the one in the credits. Daymn, I laughed. It was worth sitting an extra (what felt like) half an hour after an already excruciatingly long-on-the-arse film watching fucking names roll by when I'd already spent the morning sitting for three hours doing a chemistry exam with a numb arse on a wooden chair after like 10 mins, just to see that. It was great. So this is my idea of the lead up to that. I'm gonna put some more dots in case you don't get the hint and see the spoiler in the first line and blame me for it. Just so you don't complain. Just, seriously, just stop reading._**

**_._**

**_._**

**_._**

**_._**

**_._**

**_Alright, I'm kinda liking the dots now. I'm getting carried away. IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK!_**

**_-fs_**

**_._**

It was three weeks after Tony's heart operation that Pepper decided she needed to go into work and air some things out. She scurried past Bruce in her best suit and high heels, throwing an apologetic glance his way and saying,

"Look, I know it's a pain but can you keep an eye on Tony? I have some stuff I can't put off any longer but I don't want him straining himself when I'm gone."

Before Bruce could open his mouth, she was gone.

And he wasn't even qualified in medicine but he'd done enough of it in his life to know that she'd been through some shit that needed more than a couple of weeks off work. And surely she could get someone else to do it. Natasha was moping around with a gunshot wound somewhere, and be damned if Bruce was about to suggest recuperation to her. She would have his head off with her thighs before he could become the Hulk. Surely she could help. She'd done it before.

On the other hand, he'd helped Tony with the equation to fix Pepper. Tony had decided he needed to get very drunk to remember how to do it, so he'd stepped in before Pepper could… overheat. And they'd managed, she was fixed. And they were stuck in New York, because their stupidly positioned house was in the sea. _Again. _And Bruce couldn't complain because this was Tony's house after all, but it was a lot more noisy. And he wasn't sleeping great while he was worrying that someone was gonna annoy him or get him with a cattle prod and turn him into a big green monster.

So he'd helped with Pepper, and he'd helped install Tony's adopted son's workshop. And he'd also helped with the _new_ Iron Man suit design because Tony couldn't do any heavy lifting, and he was pretty shocked to see the stamp said Mark 43 but what could he do? Obviously Pepper didn't need to know about that, but Tony was having some sort of midlife crisis where he decided he was Iron Man, not the suit and he could be a superhero like the rest of them, so, yeah. Good on him.

But poor Pepper was obviously going to work for _downtime_, and that was all kinds of fucked. So God only knows what Bruce had to look forward to.

Turns out, he had to drive Tony to Starbucks to get the most complicated coffee they made out of principle and then complain because his robot didn't make it like that and demand another one even though he'd never had it before. Which was embarrassing. And then he brainstormed more suit ideas, drawing them out in the air because Tony didn't understand what paper was for anymore. The Tony was trying to work out how to get Pepper into the Avenger's because he figured they needed a fire-breathing woman, but he didn't know if Pepper would want to join because she doesn't really like violence, but then neither did Bruce and his monster still kicked ass. Then he had to go back to Starbucks for more coffee with a very apologetic glance to the staff, who looked pissed off. Then hunt down some tuna in New York because it's Tony's new thing but fucking _nowhere_ seemed to have any, then drive Tony to the hospital to see Happy, which was miles away, then fend off some reporters who wanted to talk to Tony about terrorists by pretending he was going to Hulk out, which made the Hulk a little excited and turned him a really funny shade of green, then drive Tony home and do the muscle work rebuilding Dummy from the remains Tony had dragged out the sea.

And suddenly he could understand why Pepper went back to work.

He was already tired, and so by 1:45am he was _wrecked_. Pepper still wasn't home, and they were both a little concerned about that because the last man she spoke to in the office turned out to be a terrorist, but Bruce was more concerned about the pricking under his skin. Which was never a good sign.

Tony went to bed eventually; exhaustion taking its toll from an operation, a crazy couple of days prior to the operation and a lot of pain medication. Bruce had been trying to crunch up meds for his PTSD into his food, but he noticed every time and started shouting. Bruce didn't even want to. It was all Pepper's idea. But she never got shouted at for it. The shouting would always end in glaring and petulance, and snitty comments about whether or not _Bruce _should be taking medication for his anger issues. Which, you know, he kinda expected from Tony Stark. But he'd mostly given up now. The man had amazing tastebuds.

Bruce was making tea when he suddenly realised all he wanted to do was sleep, but he'd boiled the kettle so he kept on going. The bag split when he was squeezing it out, which was just typical, someone, somewhere, clearly didn't want him to have tea before bed. And because of this, even with the strange lumps floating around, he vowed to drink it anyway.

He sat on the sofa with a crossword puzzle and the only biro he could find – a pink one – because it was impossible to find a normal pen when everything was written in the air in this house. He tried not to let the weird colours get to him.

His eyes were twitching from tiredness and he took a swig of tea, ending up with a mouthful of teabag. He sighed.

Pepper crept into the room behind him and he jumped. She raised a hand apologetically.

"I am _so_ sorry! Don't go all green on me!"

Bruce smiled.

"Only if you don't breathe fire at me."

Pepper rolled her eyes.

"I'm off to bed. You should too, Bruce, you're dead on your feet."  
"Yeah, you're probably right."

The prickling was still there and New York was a noisy place, so, to be safe, he slept in the Hulk-out room. But he fell pretty deeply asleep pretty quickly, and felt content in the knowledge that all was safe.

He awoke when it was light to a stack of pizza boxes, a board game and Tony Stark's grimacing face.

"Bro, we seriously need to invent those magic pants. I've lost count how many times I've seen your dick."

Bruce blinked a couple of times, confused.

"Sorry. What, ah, what happened?"  
"You hulked out."  
"I was asleep."  
"Yeah, you did it in your sleep."  
"That's never happened before."  
"It's cool. I couldn't sleep so we played mouse trap and giant jenga and ate pizza."  
"What time is it?"  
"11am."  
"Geez. Pizza for breakfast. Thought I'd gotten past my student days."  
"I won't tell if you don't."

The spinning in Bruce's head had lessened, so he sat up and pulled a blanket over his lower half. Because he was still self-conscious. Even after the amount of times he ended up naked in front of Tony.

"Anyway, now you're awake, I was thinking."

That was always a bad start to a sentence from Tony.

"Well you keep trying to put medication in my food-"  
"That's Pepper-"  
"But isn't PTSD cured better by counselling? Like, talking about the shit that's happened and how it's upset you?"  
"Um?"  
"Wouldn't it be better if I just talked to someone. Told them what I've been through?"  
"Well, uh, yeah. I mean that might help."

Tony jumped to his feet, a disconcerting smile on his face.

"Great. Get your pants on, I'll see you downstairs in five!"  
"What?"  
"You're a doctor, man. I'll talk to you."

Before Bruce even had the chance to mutter 'I'm not that kind of Doctor', Tony was gone. Bruce sighed.

"These people are all the same."

But he looked for his pants anyway.


End file.
